I’ve been struggling with something really uncomfortable to…

I’ve been struggling with something really uncomfortable to admit. After losing weight, I’ve realized I’ve developed fatphobic thoughts and I genuinely hate that about myself. I lost about fifty pounds over the course of a year. It wasn’t easy, but it also wasn’t as impossible as I used to make it out to be. I just started eating better, moving more, and taking care of myself. For the first time, I felt healthy and confident. But somewhere along the way, that confidence turned into something uglier.

Now when I look at people who are overweight, I catch myself thinking horrible things things I’d never say out loud, but they run through my head like an intrusive whisper. Thoughts like “why does she let herself look like that” or “his stomach jiggles too much when he walks.” It disgusts me that I think this way because I know exactly how it feels to be judged for my body. I used to cry in fitting rooms, avoid mirrors, and make excuses to not go out. Yet now I’m silently judging others the same way people used to judge me.

It’s like I developed a superiority complex tied to my weight loss, as if staying thin somehow makes me better or more disciplined. And it’s affecting my relationships too. I’ve had crushes on amazing people but couldn’t bring myself to fully commit just because they were overweight. I’d find myself analyzing every bite they took, noticing every time they seemed out of breath, and it made me feel so ashamed afterward. Sometimes I’ll even take the stairs when a friend takes the elevator just to prove something to myself like I’m still different, still in control.

I think deep down, I’m terrified of going back to the person I was before lazy, unmotivated, invisible. Maybe being critical of fat people is how I convince myself that I’m safe from ever becoming “that” again. It’s like if I see them as the opposite of me, then I won’t have to face the fear that I could slip back.

But I know this isn’t healthy. It’s cruel and hypocritical, and I can’t keep pretending it’s just harmless thoughts. I don’t want to be someone who looks down on people because of their bodies. I want to unlearn this mindset, to find compassion again for others and for the old version of myself. Because I think that’s where this all really comes from the part of me that still hasn’t forgiven who I used to be.

I’m trying to understand it and change, but it’s hard. Has anyone else gone through something similar after losing weight? How did you work through it without falling back into fear and self-hate?

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