I feel like I might implode

I just got married. My husband has terminal cancer. I’m watching the love of my life fade away in front of me, and every single day feels like another goodbye I’m not ready for. I’m terrified not just of losing him, but of what my life will look like without him.

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He brought me back to life when I was barely hanging on. And now my bipolar 2 is spiraling, my depression is heavy again, and I feel like I’m being pulled in two directions at once. I want to sleep for days and vanish from everything, but at the same time, I want to live and do everything, like maybe if I stay busy enough, I can outrun the pain.

I’m trying to hold it together, but I’m falling apart in quiet ways. My eating disorder is back one minute I want to eat everything in sight because none of it seems to matter anymore, and the next, I feel disgusted with myself for even feeling hunger while my husband is suffering. It’s like my brain keeps punishing me for existing while he’s fighting to survive.

I don’t cry in front of him because I want to be strong. But sometimes I feel like I might literally explode from holding everything in. The sadness, the fear, the guilt, the anger all of it is boiling inside me.

And I am mad. I’m mad that he’s dying and that I can’t fix it. I’m mad that he doesn’t want a puppy when I feel like having something small and alive to care for would help us both. I know it sounds selfish I know I should only be focused on him but I’m terrified of the silence that will come after he’s gone.

I love him so much that the thought of living in a world without him makes me want to stop breathing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to survive this kind of grief before it even happens. I feel like a mess, and I don’t recognize myself anymore.

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