A Painful Realization About My Unhealthy Attachment to My Manager

I’m a 17-year-old girl, and tonight I had a painful moment of clarity I’ve developed an unhealthy and obsessive fixation on my manager. I always knew the way I thought about him felt strange, but until now, I didn't fully grasp how intrusive and inappropriate these feelings have become.

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It started when I began this job about two and a half months ago. Since then, I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. He’s significantly older 35, married, with a teenage child and yet, my mind keeps circling back to him. Part of what drew me in is how kindly he treats me. He often calls me “dear” and “honey,” and speaks to me in a slightly condescending but gentle tone, as if I’m much younger, sometimes raising his pitch just a little when we talk. I find myself fixating on these small interactions, replaying them in my head.

There are other things, too like how he leans in close whenever I need to tell him something, or the comment from my trainer on my first day, when she said I was cute and he agreed, comparing me to “those stuffed animals with the sparkly eyes.” Logically, I know he would never see me in a romantic or inappropriate way. But emotionally, I’m stuck.

I think about him constantly outside of work. I imagine him sitting beside me wherever I am, talking to me in that same calming way. I notice small physical details the shape of his shoulders from behind, the pants he wears, his hands. It’s become an intrusive pattern, and I feel increasingly uncomfortable and ashamed by it.

His birthday was in November, and I wanted to bake him cookies as a gift. I spent days planning four different recipes, wanting everything to be perfect. But when the day came to make them, things went wrong one batch came out unattractive, another didn’t taste right. I ran out of time, panicked, and ended up boxing only the best of the imperfect cookies.

I drove to work already late, sitting in my car in the parking lot, completely overwhelmed. I couldn’t bring myself to give him mediocre, ugly cookies on his birthday. The anxiety took over I felt so embarrassed and fixated on the idea that I’d ruined everything. I ended up driving away to a nearby park, crying uncontrollably.

Alone in the dark, my thoughts spiraled. I convinced myself I could never face him again and, in a moment of deep distress, even considered ending my life. I wrote a note to my family and waited near the train tracks, though part of me knew I wasn’t truly going to go through with it. Eventually, I left, unharmed but shaken by how far my emotions had escalated.

Tonight, I’m sitting in my car in the work parking lot, off the clock but smoking weed just to feel closer to him, knowing he’s inside. Writing this out, I’m realizing how alarming this behavior is—it feels obsessive, almost stalker-ish. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want these thoughts.

I’m sharing this because I needed to get it off my chest and acknowledge what’s happening. I know I need to stop, to find a healthier way to cope, and to protect my own emotional well-being. If anyone has been through something similar or has advice on managing obsessive thoughts and attachments, I would really appreciate hearing it.

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