I have intentionally stopped cleaning our house for a whole year. My husband always claims he is a germaphobe, yet somehow he lives like a complete slob. It makes my mind spin because the rules he forces on me do not match the reality of how he behaves.

We separated in 2020 and never actually divorced. During that time I lived alone with my pets and it felt peaceful in a way I had not felt in years. I am not the best housekeeper and I am honest about that. Laundry piles up. Dishes sit until I can load the dishwasher. Sweeping and mopping only happen when the floors start whispering for mercy. When I expect company, I pull myself together and clean. It is not perfect, but it is manageable and it is mine.

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Then in 2022 he and I reconnected and thought we could rebuild something. We decided to move back in together. That is when everything shifted again. His behavior around cleanliness has grown into something I now understand as OCD. He insists that both of us wash or sanitize our hands after touching anything that has been on the floor, money, his wallet, or anything he considers contaminated. Clothes worn outside the bedroom even for a short time go straight into the laundry because the bedroom is his safe space.

Meanwhile he has not held a real job in more than a year. He did some off the books work for a while and then tried two different restaurant jobs where he was fired within weeks. I work full time and have been paying almost everything for years. That part never changed, not even before we broke up.

At some point I just snapped. I realized that if he is going to stay home all day and contribute almost nothing financially, then I am no longer carrying the emotional and physical burden of housework. I simply stopped. I did not announce it. I did not argue. I just let it all sit there.

The result is honestly embarrassing. The house looks terrible. The floors have not been cleaned in months. The trash overflows before anyone touches it. We even got a notice in the mail about the condition of our lawn. I still cave in and clean the bathroom once he leaves stains in the toilet or when the sink and shower look like a science project, but part of me feels stuck between anger and exhaustion. I cannot tell if he truly does not see these things, if he does not care, or if he assumes I will eventually clean it because that is what I have always done.

Sometimes I look around and feel ashamed and overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel strangely validated because the state of the house shows exactly how uneven our relationship has become. And sometimes I wonder if this entire pattern is a sign that our marriage died long before our separation ever happened.

I do not know how to fix what we have. I just know I am tired of feeling like the only adult in the room.

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