I’ve been kicked out of college and life feels miserable right now.

I’m about 20. I’ve been dealing with depression for years, honestly since high school. High school itself was rough. The first half of it I was stuck in a really bad relationship, and it went way beyond normal teenage drama. I don’t even want to get into the details. It took a lot out of me.

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Eventually I built up the courage to leave that relationship, partly because I met a girl I became really close friends with. I fell hard for her. Like completely head over heels. She friend zoned me more than once over the rest of high school. I dated a few other people in between, but none of it meant much and none of it really stuck.

I graduated with good grades and walked away with two close friends. One of them basically disappeared the moment high school ended. When I started college, I didn’t feel too terrible about things. I was actually excited. I moved into an off campus apartment, but my roommate situation was bad. I spent most days locked in my small bedroom alone. At the time I didn’t think much of it, but looking back it absolutely wrecked my mental health.

I got through the first semester with okay grades. Everything fell apart in the second semester. The isolation hit hard. I stayed up all night and slept through the day. I didn’t make any social connections at all. Dating felt completely impossible from where I was mentally. I started missing classes, skipping assignments, and my grades tanked.

I decided to drop the classes I was failing to save my GPA. That’s when things got even worse. The school randomly sent me a physical check for thousands of dollars from my account right before payments were due. I spent weeks going back and forth between offices trying to fix it. By the time someone actually helped, the due dates had passed. I got hit with late fees and because of the hold on my account, I missed the withdrawal deadline.

Going into my third semester, I was placed on academic probation and forced into a different engineering major. I had ended the previous semester with three Fs. I moved into an apartment with a friend, which helped a little, but I was still deeply depressed. My sleep schedule was wrecked again. I couldn’t sleep at night and couldn’t function during the day. I did poorly most of that semester too.

That’s when I finally tried to seriously fix things. I started going to counseling through the school. I decided to change majors to something I actually cared about and felt motivated by. I met with an advisor, explained everything, talked about my grades, and asked what my options were. He gave me solid advice on how to get Fs removed from my GPA using special forms. He very clearly told me I was not at risk of being kicked out. He said I had nothing to worry about.

The semester ended. I spent winter break filling out paperwork and trying to clean everything up.

Then I got an email saying I had been dismissed from the school.

I was furious. I was blindsided. I had been explicitly told this would not happen. And to make it worse, I’ve been hiding all of this from my mom. I didn’t want her to worry or be disappointed in me. I lied about my grades. I never really talked about how depressed I was until recently.

Now I feel like I’m at rock bottom. I finally tried to get help. I finally tried to change direction. And right when I was doing that, everything collapsed anyway. It’s incredibly demoralizing. It makes me feel like giving up, even though I don’t want to.

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