I once lied on my CV. I got the job and got promoted. I lied on my CV and somehow convinced the world I was a coding wizard. Now I'm stuck in a never-ending cycle of Google searches and caffeine-fueled coding sessions. This is when I regret it and I do, indeed.

Since you loved this post, you might enjoy these too:
• My Adoption Story: How a Messy 11-Year-Old Performance Convinced My Forever Family to Adopt Me
• I Got the Worst Tattoo Revenge of My Life: How a So-Called Friend Stole My Dragon Design and Got it Tattooed on Herself
• I Was Forced, Ghosted, and Left to Pick Up the Pieces: Surviving a Violating Experience of Sexual Assault and Emotional Manipulation
• I Got Caught Shoplifting: The Shame, Guilt, and Regret That Followed


My browser history is a treasure trove of "how to fix syntax errors" and "what does this error message mean?"

I learned to code on the job, which is just a fancy way of saying I'm making it up as I go along. My colleagues think I'm a genius, but really, I'm just good at hiding my panic.I still cannot believe I built an entire career on one tiny lie that snowballed into a whole new version of my life. I once lied on my CV and somehow the world decided to believe every word I wrote.

I said I was good at coding even though all I really knew at the time was how to copy and paste basic snippets and hope they worked. The wild part is that I did not just get the job. I got promoted. I got praised. I got treated like someone with real talent. And now I live every day in this strange mix of pride, guilt, fear, and pure survival mode.

I wake up each morning wondering how the hell I am still employed. My browser history looks like a desperate cry for help. It is full of searches like how to fix syntax errors and why is this error message haunting me. Sometimes I stare at my screen with the kind of panic you only feel when you know you have no idea what you are doing. But somehow I keep pulling miracles out of thin air. Or maybe I am just good at panicking quietly. Either way, it works.

I taught myself everything on the job, which sounds inspirational but really just means I am winging it every single day. Half the time I feel like an impostor pretending to be a real engineer. My colleagues think I am a genius, but in reality I am just a sleep deprived gremlin who googles everything and drinks way too much caffeine. When they ask me to explain my code, I turn on this confident sounding voice and talk in circles until they nod. Deep down I am praying they do not ask a question I cannot fake my way around.

The crazy part is that the company believes in me more than I believe in myself. They rewarded me with a promotion and a raise. They literally decided to pay me more money to continue pretending I know what I am doing. Some days I laugh. Some days I question every decision I have ever made. Some days I wonder if this is what success feels like or if this is just a slow burning anxiety attack disguised as ambition.

People romanticize fake it till you make it, but they never talk about the guilt that follows you around. They never talk about the pressure or the fear of being exposed. They never talk about the nights you spend doubting your worth or the mornings you spend trying to convince yourself you deserve the life you built on a lie.

Maybe one day I will finally feel like I earned this. Maybe one day I will feel like I actually belong here. Until then I will keep learning. I will keep surviving. I will keep pretending until the pretending becomes real.

When they ask me to explain my code, I launch into a confident-sounding jargon-filled monologue, hoping they'll get lost in the technical mumbo-jumbo.

The best part? I got a promotion and a raise, which basically translates to "we're paying you more to keep pretending you're good at this."

Posts you may like too:
• My Adoption Story: How a Messy 11-Year-Old Performance Convinced My Forever Family to Adopt Me
• I Got the Worst Tattoo Revenge of My Life: How a So-Called Friend Stole My Dragon Design and Got it Tattooed on Herself
• I Was Forced, Ghosted, and Left to Pick Up the Pieces: Surviving a Violating Experience of Sexual Assault and Emotional Manipulation
• I Got Caught Shoplifting: The Shame, Guilt, and Regret That Followed
• From Broken to Rebuilt: How I'm Learning to Trust Myself Again
• When Petty Revenge Takes Over: The Dark Side of Dealing with Toxic Concertgoers
• Rebuilding Grounded: How I'm Learning to Plan for Good Things in Uncertain Times
• Floating on Sunshine, Sinking in Shadows: The Ebb and Flow of Life
• Unburdened: Confronting the Weight of a Secret Life
• The Secret Shame I've Carried for Years: How a Charitable Lie Destroyed My Soul