I ignored a message from an old friend because I was pregnant and exhausted, and she passed away two days later. I still can’t forgive myself.

At the time, I was pregnant and completely drained. The kind of exhaustion that lives in your bones. I was constantly sick, dealing with intense morning sickness, and I had just moved to a new place that didn’t feel like home at all. I was lonely, uncomfortable, and overwhelmed. My husband was out most days, and I spent a lot of time alone just trying to get through each hour without throwing up or crying.

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One night, late, I got a message from an old friend. She asked if we could talk. Seeing her name brought up a rush of memories. She was my high school best friend. The person who knew me before life got complicated. But that night, I was so tired. It was late. My head was pounding, my body hurt, and I told myself I would reply the next day. Or the next. I ignored the message, thinking there would be time.

Two days later, my Facebook feed was filled with posts about her death.

Apparently, she went to sleep and never woke up. No clear explanation. No warning. Just gone.

I felt like the air left my lungs. I replayed that message over and over in my head. I still do. I never told anyone that she had reached out to me right before she died. The shame felt unbearable. What kind of person ignores their best friend when they ask to talk? What if she needed me? What if that conversation mattered more than I realized?

It’s been years, and I still think about her almost every day. I wonder what she wanted to say. I wonder if I could have helped. I know logically that I was sick, pregnant, overwhelmed, and human. But emotionally, none of that matters. The guilt doesn’t listen to reason.

I carry this quiet grief with me. A mix of loss, regret, and self-blame that never really fades. I miss her. And I hate myself for believing there would always be more time.

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