Sometimes I feel like I’m only alive for everyone else, and I don’t know how to start living for myself. It’s like my existence is powered by guilt and obligation instead of joy or purpose. I have friends who care about me, a girlfriend who loves me, and my finances are stable. From the outside, I look like I have my life together. But every single morning, I wake up wishing I hadn’t.

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I’ve tried to end things before more than once and the only reason I’m still here is because of the people in my life. I can’t stand the thought of breaking my parents’ hearts or leaving my friends and girlfriend wondering if they could have done more. That guilt alone keeps me breathing, even when I’m completely drained inside.

What hurts the most is how tired I am of pretending. I go to parties, gatherings, and random events, always smiling, always cracking jokes, always making everyone else feel comfortable. People see me as this social, funny person the one who keeps the room alive but they have no idea how empty I feel afterward.

It’s exhausting being the one who lifts everyone up when you can barely lift yourself. I’m so tired of living like this. I’m tired of feeling depressed, disconnected, and invisible even in a crowd.

I’ve been in therapy, I’ve tried antidepressants and other medications, but nothing seems to work. The meds just make me feel numb not happy, not sad, just hollow. My therapist tells me it’s part of the process, but it’s been years, and I don’t feel any closer to “better.” Sometimes I blame my ex, the one who broke my heart and left me feeling worthless, but deep down I know this goes beyond heartbreak. It’s something in my mind, a chemical imbalance that refuses to fix itself no matter what I do.

What makes it even more frustrating is that I can make everyone else laugh. I can walk into a room and light it up, make someone’s day better, make them smile when they’re down. That gives me a temporary sense of meaning like maybe I’m doing something right. But the second I’m alone again, that light fades. I hate that I can make others feel joy while I can’t feel it myself. It’s unfair. It makes me angry at my own mind for refusing to let me feel happiness.

I just want to feel normal again. I want to wake up and not immediately feel exhausted by life. I want to find a reason to live that isn’t tied to someone else’s happiness. I want to learn how to love myself the way I love others, how to care for myself the way I care for them. But right now, I’m just surviving day by day trying to make others smile because that’s the only thing that keeps my soul from collapsing completely.

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