I am thirty now and I still cannot believe I trapped myself in the most ridiculous lie of my adult life. It all started when I was around twenty seven and desperately trying to reinvent myself into one of those polished grown ups who seem to have everything together.

You know the type. They meal prep on Sundays, drink sparkling water like it is a personality trait, and somehow keep their plants alive without crying over them.

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So I bought a twelve pack of LaCroix because that was what the cool healthy people were drinking at the time. I really wanted to feel like someone who made mature choices.

I cracked open the first can expecting enlightenment and instead tasted what felt like TV static with a hint of fruit sadness. It was honestly one of the worst drinks I had ever forced myself to swallow. But I had already committed to the bit online. I posted it on my Instagram story with the caption: new addiction lol. That was the moment everything went downhill.

People believed it. Friends started showing up at my place with LaCroix because they thought they were being sweet. Coworkers stocked the office fridge with endless cans because they were convinced I loved it. My girlfriend at the time who is now my fiancée thought it was adorable that I was so into sparkling water. She was so supportive that she even bought me a SodaStream for Christmas. She genuinely thought she was feeding my passion and I just smiled through the internal suffering.

Now I am in way too deep. I have become the guy who pretends to taste subtle differences between flavors like Pamplemousse and Limoncello even though it all tastes like carbonated regret to me. I take small thoughtful sips while silently asking myself how I ended up here.

I have an entire shelf in my fridge dedicated to what basically feels like spicy sadness and at this point I feel like I have created a whole identity around something I secretly cannot stand.

Sometimes I just want a normal drink. A simple juice. A Gatorade. Maybe even a cold bottle of something that does not feel like bubbles attacking my face. But the minute I open anything else someone notices. They always say something like no sparkling water today and I give the same tired fake laugh while my soul whispers that I have made a terrible mistake for three straight years.

If anyone younger is reading this please listen. Never lie about your preferences just to fit an aesthetic. These small lies turn into running jokes and then into weird parts of your personality that follow you everywhere. Be honest about what you actually like. It saves you from drinking carbonation flavored regret for years.

Thanks for coming to my talkshow.

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