i don’t really know how to start this. I've typed and deleted this like three times already.

I’m in my twenties now and I function fine, I guess. I go to work, I joke around, but there’s something from when i was younger that just, weird.

I was about 15, 10th grade. It was summer and I was staying with family for a couple of weeks. You know, one of those situations where there are always people in the house, doors opening and closing, someone in the kitchen, someone watching tv.

There was this dude there. Technically family, but not someone I grew up with closely, older than me by a lot, early twenties maybe. Everyone trusted him, he was the 'helpful' one, always around, always included.

I didn’t think anything of him at first. It wasn’t like one clear moment where something obvious happened. It was smaller than that. Things that didn’t feel right but also didn’t feel like something you could point at and say THIS IS WRONG, but it was definitely weird...very weird, like sitting too close when there was space, touching my arm and not really taking his hand away. Little things that made me shift away without thinking too hard about why.

I remember once I moved, he just moved closer again like it was nothing.

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even think I had a reason to, then, one afternoon, most of the house was out. I stayed back because I said I wasn’t feeling well or something. He stayed too and it was cool...he was cool. I remember that day being really quiet-which was not exactly a bad thing, he came into the room I was in and started talking, normal stuff, just two guys talking. He asked if I was okay, if I needed anything, I said everything was fine, I was good. Then he sat down next to me. Too close again, and I just…froze.

I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s like my brain was aware but my body didn’t follow. I remember staring straight ahead like I was looking at something in front of me, but I just did not know what to do, how to react.

His hand moved again, slower. He did not accidentally touch me, it was very intentional and that’s when it hit me that it wasn’t just me overthinking.

I didn’t react the way people say you’re supposed to. I didn’t shout or push him away and say DEVIL BE GONE!!! I just said I needed to go to the bathroom and got up.

I locked the door and stayed there longer than I needed to. I remember just standing there, not even on my phone, just waiting. When I came out, I grabbed my phone and pretended I was talking to someone. I kept it up until I heard the front door, my family was back. I remember feeling such relief, like I had been holding my breath.

After that, I avoided him...not in an obvious way, just enough. If he came into a room, I'd find somewhere else to go. If he tried to talk to me, I’d keep it short- 'kay', 'sure', 'cool' 'yeah'.

Nothing else like that happened again and I guess that part messes with me, because technically, nothing 'really happened.' But something did. I've never told anyone about it. I think part of me feels like if I say it out loud, it won’t sound like enough. Like people will say I’m making something out of nothing. But I remember how it felt in my body, that doesn’t just come from nowhere.

He’s still around, by the way. Shows up at family things like everything’s normal. Maybe it is normal for him, and I still avoid him.

Sometimes, I don’t know what I feel about it anymore. It’s not anger exactly, it’s just…idk. So, I'm putting this out there...I'm not overthinking it, right?