Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped inside a version of myself I never chose. I fucking hate being neurodivergent. I hate how every conversation feels like walking through mud, how my mind overthinks every word, every silence, every reaction until I convince myself everyone secretly hates me.

For the longest time, I thought I was just shy or quiet. I told myself it was just social anxiety, that maybe I’d grow out of it. But even when I’m drunk, high, or completely out of my head, the same thing happens — I still get rejected. I still say the wrong thing, or nothing at all. I still feel like I’m standing behind a glass wall while everyone else is laughing on the other side.

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I think I’m somewhere on that messy, blurry line of auDHD autistic, ADHD, whatever label you want to give it — but honestly, labels don’t fix the loneliness. They just explain it. I keep trying to mask, to blend in, to act like I’m normal, but every social interaction feels like a performance I can’t keep up with. It’s exhausting.

And the worst part? No matter how hard I try, I still feel like a failure. I hate that I can’t feel confident in myself because my brain won’t let me. I hate that every time I open my mouth, I’m second-guessing whether I sound weird or annoying or disconnected. I hate how people’s faces change when they realize I’m not like them.

It’s humiliating to always feel out of place. It’s humiliating to crave connection and still walk away feeling ashamed for even trying. I see people build friendships so effortlessly, laughing, vibing, making plans and I’m just there, replaying every small talk moment like it was a test I failed.

I know happiness comes from connection, but what happens when your brain won’t let you connect? When every attempt ends in silence or awkwardness or another reminder that you’re different? Some days it feels like my life is a prison sentence I never agreed to. Like I was born with a glitch that makes everything harder love, friendship, confidence, peace.

I’m tired of pretending it doesn’t hurt. I’m tired of telling myself I’m fine when I feel broken in ways that can’t be seen. I wish I could turn off the noise in my head. I wish I could stop analyzing every mistake and just exist like everyone else.

But here I am, trying to make peace with a brain that constantly betrays me. Trying to believe that being different doesn’t mean being unlovable. Trying to hold on to the small hope that maybe, one day, someone will see past all this noise and just understand me.

Until then, I’m just learning to live with the silence.

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• Beyond the Surface of Self-Care: Uncovering the Messy Truth of Finding True Connection and Grounding in a Lonely World
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• Lost in the Loop of Empty Comfort: When Messages That Once Soothed Now Bring Only Silence
• Breaking Through the Surface Level: My Struggle to Crave Deeper Connection in a World of Small Talk