When I was a teenager, I did something I still struggle to forgive myself for. I’m using a throwaway because I know I’ll probably regret posting this later, but I just need to say it somewhere.

When I was 18, I went through this phase where I was curious about what sex would be like especially with an older man. I can’t even explain what was going through my head, but I ended up sleeping with someone who was 40. That alone was bad enough, but the worst part was that it happened in my parents’ house. They caught us. I won’t go into the details of how that went down, but it was every bit as awful as you can imagine.

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If I could go back, I’d never let that happen. Before it even started, he showed me pictures of his kids—one was 7 and the other was 12. That’s when it hit me. His kids were around the same age as my younger siblings. My youngest sibling was 13 at the time. The moment I realized that, I started feeling sick. Even while it was happening, all I could think was, “What am I doing? He’s old enough to be my dad.”

Looking back, I’m horrified not just because of what I did, but because I put my family at risk. This man could have been dangerous, and I brought him into our home. Thankfully nothing worse happened, but I’ll always carry that guilt.

If anyone takes anything from this, let it be this: curiosity isn’t worth the lifelong shame that follows a reckless decision. It’s been years, but I still feel the weight of what I did, and I know I can never undo it.

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