https://youtu.be/we6bpBXMwOo The key to breaking a trauma bond is detaching from the idea that we need to sacrifice and abandon our needs and boundaries to maintain connection with someone. Because real love doesn't make us walk on eggshells, real love doesn't belittle or demean or devalue. Real love can take accountability. Real love is safe, not chaotic. And even though it feels impossible, loving ourselves will require us to detach from environments where someone continues to betray trust in large and small ways, even if we love and care about them. If you ever want to support my work https://bit.ly/3FWA1Ez #traumabond #relationshipproblems #narcissist
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I realized that even the “good times” weren’t actually all that good - they were just the absence of bad.
Being Forced to detach from someone you love BECAUSE they refuse to grow, change or act like you exist IS a whole new level of pain never before experienced 😢
The pain really sucked but it was totally worth it to detach and go no contact.
To confirm what Jimmy says at the end: it absolutely gets better. And you will never regret leaving an abusive or unloving partner, or simply one that treated you poorly: ever. The grief passes, the hurt passes and you will never look back. Even if you decide or happen to stay single for a while. And that new person they're with or will be with? Their relationship will go through the same exact pattern. And sometimes, they find their mirror, and will experience themselves what they put you through and finally get it. And sometimes they will continue on and just have a trail of broken hearts behind them. It won't matter, because you'll be living your life, wiser, stronger and more authentically than before. You got this.
I feel like I need to watch this everyday
“I deserve to be cared for, prioritized & be with someone who feels lucky to have found me.” Treat ourself like we treat other people.
Holy crap 😢 “Love should not wreck your nervous system.” God I feel that.
“Love doesn’t keep you in fight or flight”. That was very well put. It should feel safe and consistent, not confusing. This was very well thought out. Glad I listened.
“The reason you’re confused is because your brain knows something that your heart won’t admit.”
It ABSOLUTELY gets better. Leaving my 22 year abusive relationship was the best thing I ever could have done. It was SO hard - truly like kicking an addiction, but I thank God every single day that that man is out of my life. You can't put a price on the peace that I gained from leaving. I am a different person than I was when I left over 4.5 years ago, in the best way, and it keeps getting better!
i cried, listening to this video. it doesn’t seem like trauma or ‘abuse,’ when they just fail to care - no active hitting or yelling. just not following through on their agreements, deliberately doing the opposite of what i requested and they agreed… just going out of town on my birthday. those are my problem… they never want to hear or care about my feelings- they just go silent. they “earned their response honestly” bc of their own childhood… i’ve sunk 30 yrs into this relationship, how can i detach…. alone in my pain. walking on eggshells….
“The pain of staying has to be greater than the pain of leaving”. That hit me.
Thank you for this video. though it brings up painful memories. At first i was with an abusive and narc wife for 10 years of my life, then I left when i couldn't bear it any longer, Bear in mind i only stayed that long because of our teenage kids. After two years of being single, I met the love of my life, and we had a fantastic first 5 months, then my P.T.S.D kicked in and I did a lot of things I am not proud of because i wasn't properly healed. and she left me. I think of her everyday I realize now and I feel so empty and lonely inside. I love her so much
Well detailed video. Moving on from an ex you loved with all your heart is very hard to get over, there are a lot of people who are still secretly in love with their exes, but as a result of pride they die in silence instead of looking for a way to mend things, and if it beyond repairs, then go for therapy sessions.
This video made me cry. I have never heard my situation spoken about with such accuracy. I feel so seen and validated. That my experience wasn’t in my head. That what I was experiencing WASN’T normal. That this is not what love looks like. I have saved this video to come back to when I need to. But to also show people who ask me what happened in my 27 year marriage I can just show them this video and they will maybe understand. Thank you for the work that you do.
Him feeling like he's the one walking on eggshells because he's not able to rant and rage whenever he felt like it...
It’s one of the most important videos I’ve ever seen! Watched it 3 times already and will watch 33 more times until everything you say is remembered for my entire life!
The fact that it's not love is actually a huge relief
After 7 years together, I left almost a year ago. Breaking the trauma bond was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It was so painful, scary & lonely. I still feel very sad that I was treated the way I was, but the peace I’ve found by being alone has been very healing.
I stayed. It took me to my late 60's to go get help. I'm still there in that relationship but now detached and boundaries that can't be breached. Why do I stay? I am now 76 years old with no family and few friends. To leave would be a financial burden I can't manage so I have chosen to stay. I now live my life on my own terms. He knows he can come along on my journey or not, his choice. On the upside, he is trying which I respect. I should have left when I was in my early 30's. But I didn't. I don't regret my life, I do regret that it took going to the point of wanting to kill myself before I found help. I am happy now and understand clearly that I have to live for me, and love me instead of begging for crumbs of love from my partner. I urge you who are much younger, don't make my mistake and find the help you need to be healthy, happy and know that there is real love out there. It may not be a fairy tale, but it will be honest love.