Why Chasing Red Flags Leads To Love

I think we need to make an important differenciation here. Insecurities, joblessness, addiction, these are real problems that people need help in and genuine understanding. Whereas manipulation, gaslighting, cheating, these are 'red flags'. We absolutely cannot lump two categories of people together. This isn't a comment on HG at all, rather our current society and how weve bastardised the term "Red flag" amd rendered it meaningless.

We need to start differentiating between red flags and orange flags. Orange flags are the actions we are talking about here basically self-sabotaging out of trauma, insecurities etc. Red flags are not acceptable e.g., people with no remorse like my ex who was sexual assaulting me and told me that's how couples are, if you love your partner you get through it. Yes nobody is perfect but some people are red flags for human race in itself!

feel like vulnerability is key to get together and that sometimes means being open about your flaws not only on romantic relationships btw

The green flags you have to look out for: - Willing to change - Willing to compromise - Cares enough to change

From personal experience, the phrase “WILLING TO CHANGE” is the absolute KEY factor here. Not every “red flag” is willing to change

#1 green flag: growth mindsets, when you both fight constructively and influence each other for the better

I think it's pretty important that your red flags were "gamer, young, being supported by parents, etc." When I think of red flags I think of things like: prior arrests, drug/alcohol addiction, committed acts of physical abuse/violence toward other people, but especially women or animals. You know, REAL red flags.

This is why the conversations around "struggle love" really infuriate me. They usually normalize sizing someone up entirely based on their current financial situation (or other problems) and promote really shallow, kinda harsh interactions for people in the dating world, who then go on to pay it forward (or become these reactionary "all women care about is money" types.) It's a vicious cycle.

One other thing that people don't take into consideration is that some emotional baggage that is usually called a "red flag" can actually make you and your partner more compatible. In my experience dating someone with little to no trauma made me feel isolated and misunderstood, whereas dating someone who has had difficult life experiences that others would discard as just red flags makes them more likely to understand your problems. Even if none of the people involved have figured out how to deal with their struggles, having someone next to you that understands how difficult it is sometimes can lead to a better relationship.

I can actually highly relate to this. I have a girlfriend who just a year ago was feeling highly suicidal and was very anxious, yet I still wanted to be with her. I told her how I felt, but I said that we can’t be in a relationship until she works on herself to be better. 3 months later, we’re official. It’s gone through ups and downs so far, but the relationship has been going on for 1 year and 4 months, and I’m happier with her than I’ve ever been, and I think I can say the same about her

When I was 16, I was a walking red flag. Basically called myself a monster. Then I met this girl, who was also a walking red flag, all over her. And we got together, and started pushing through… 16 years later, that girl is now my wife and we both live a pacefully, healthy life, and our relationship is so stable and perfect people often tell us we are just two halves of the same being. Edit: typo

I had a relationship with someone who gave up smoking and changed his excessive drinking, not because I asked him to, but because he recognized that it was not who he wanted to be with me. I think the key concept here is the idea of not looking for someone who is perfect, but someone who is willing to change and that you can problem solve with. Because perfect is probably just some problems you haven’t met yet.

I feel... quite conflicted about this one. Depends on the definition of red flag maybe? I have standards like really FAR from highest and ended past relationships based on red flags. And now after a few years from that I can 100% tell I saved my life exactly thanks to "red flag" monitoring mechanism.

This resonates with me so much. I've with my gf for years now, and we've started with a lot of ups and downs. Mostly because I was really selfish and she was really clingey. But we've lasted so long because we always talked our worries out with each other when we saw things not working out, which ended up giving us less and less things to fight about because we understood each other more and found compromise. I'm hoping I can propose to her when I'm financially ready so we can continue understanding each other more.

A girl once told me near the end of our second date, which was back in July, "I know that forming a bond and seeing if there's a true connection with someone takes time, but I don't know if I have the emotional bandwidth to figure that out," which as been eye opening to me. And after watching your live stream where you asked viewers if they think men are rejected, and with much reflection, I'm getting a sense that the major thing anyone should look for from someone, is one who's willing to just look at you and say, "Yeah, I can try this with you." Unfortunately, people give up at the first sign of a "red flag," no matter how minor it may seem. It's almost like we forgot the line Robin Williams said in Goodwill Hunting, "You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense [...] she isn't perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other. That's the whole deal, that's what intimacy is all about." Which, on the face of it falls apart a little because he uses the words "perfect for each other," but i always took that to mean, "whether or not you're both able to just get along and solve the problems that come up from your imperfections"

Nobody is perfect, and we all have insecurities. At end of it all we just want to be accepted. There is so much more to a person then what we label as a "Red Flag". Great video, Be kind and take care

Biggest red flag in my relationships, which only surfaces well within it, has been the lack of ability or willingness to communicate through or navigate through problems, even if gently or carefully. Not sure you can imagine my desperation almost every time and my hopelessness now.

Finding out how we navigate problems together has become THE BIGGEST factor I consider in relationships. I would put in some work but over time I found what it looked like when someone was actually *capable* of working together to settle things and solve problems. At times I worried I was expecting too much and would never find someone to meet that standard. My girlfriend has squashed those doubts. It feels SO GOOD to be with someone who is truly willing and capable of simply sitting down and talking things out in a calm way. We’ve hurt each other, we’ve each faced hard external difficulties, but every time we can just sit down and talk it out patiently and with empathy. There’s nothing I value more, because I feel like we can face anything.

The "green flags" describes so perfectly a girl I went out to meet just a week ago. I had fun, she wasn't perfect but I wanted to meet her more. I didn't check her list and she decided not to meet again. I genuily got the sensation that she had the list of "things I want him to fix for me". This has been in my mind lately, and gives a good angle that I was needing to have. Thanks!

Conflict is inevitable...resolution is not. However, a good resolution will bring everyone involved closer together and develop mutual trust and appreciation for each other. Good stuff as usual, Dr K.